Your teammate has been away for two weeks after their father died. They are back on Monday. You have been thinking about it all weekend, and you still do not know what to say. Part of you hopes that if nobody mentions it, the day will be easier for everyone.
It usually is not. Many people who return after a death say the hardest part was the silence. Colleagues who looked away, conversations that stopped when they walked in, and nobody saying anything at all. It can feel as though the loss did not matter.
So say something, and keep it short. "I was so sorry to hear about your dad" is enough. You do not need the perfect sentence, and there is not one. Saying it privately or in a direct message is often kinder than in front of the whole team.
Then follow their lead. Some people want to talk about the person they lost. Others want one place in their life where everything is normal, and work is that place. Both are fine. If they change the subject to the sprint, go with them.
Avoid the phrases that try to fix it. "They are in a better place." "At least it was quick." "I know exactly how you feel." Even when meant well, they ask the grieving person to agree with you. Avoid turning the conversation to your own loss unless they ask.
Offer something practical instead of a general "let me know if you need anything", which puts the work back on them. "I can take the release this week if that helps" or "I will cover the morning stand up notes" is easier to say yes to.
Remember that grief does not finish when the leave does. Concentration can be poor for weeks or months. If they miss something, assume that before you assume anything else.
And remember the later dates. A birthday, the anniversary, the first holidays without them. A short message then, months after everyone else has moved on, often means more than anything said in the first week.
– Asael Shinder
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